May 2, 2011

Painful Parenthood

It has been about a year that my kids are not in Singapore and about six months since I have been staying alone in my apartment in Singapore. My wife went back to join my kids in Bangalore in Dec beginning.

I have been meeting my kids and wife every three months or less but still some of the moments become so painful and in these moments restlessness inside knows no bound. Urge to break the bondage to work and rush off to Bangalore to see the kids is heart wrenching. Work has been hectic, challenging, kind of pressure cooker ambiance and as a result there is opportunity that bring out best in a professional but It doesn't bring any glitter to my eyes and evokes no desires of professional growth either. Only desire I have is the peace & happiness that comes with seeing kids play, sleep and jump around. Of course the bonus is parents, wives and siblings and larger family all around. God knows when will this humankind nature win the battle against the professional with in me and I will run off to Bangalore in order to please my eyes and ears that a phone call or video call hasn't been able to give to my soul with in.

Even a slight break at work brings the thought of the kids and family to my mind. I have tried almost everything from jogging, reading, swimming, nothing helps. Going off to meet friends on week-ends makes me even more weak to fly off to Bangalore. Discussing investment and business with like minded buddies takes off the attention momentarily. I am still here in Singapore, because I am bounded by some life changing decision with legal implication that could affect not only me and my wife but even my kids for whom I have been longing so much. Things like this and the financial security of monthly pay checks keep me bounded.

My kids are known amongst my family members and friends for being mediocre, for being so non-serious towards academics, for being ever so careless but I never ever feel like telling them on phone or when they were here with me to focus on these things. All I always wanted is to see the smile on their face and happiness within me of seeing them and touching them. I don't know if I am spoiling their future by not being critical of their habits and actions. Don't know if the world and they them selves will blame me for not being a good enough to think of future of my kids. But how can I admonish them - It's so difficult to do anything that will make them frown or take smiles away from the little faces. I am waiting for the time to come when I can start having meaningful dialog with them on these subtle things. School, college and university curriculum and studies is of least importance is of least priority. I believe outside of it humans can thinks of better ways to contribute to society.

Some times staying here makes me feel if this is what a jail is like in a civilized society. In Jail you have all the minimum necessity for a comfortable life but you have the emotional pain of being away from society, away from family and friends. I find my self in similar situation - at least at times I think along these lines and if I am serving a jail sentence. I may have the liberty to indulge but none of those appeal me. Many times I do think I am not the only person who goes thru this phase of life - being away from your near and dear ones. Critically I come to conclude that may be I can take this separation but then I need to change the place to lessen the emotional pain I am going thru. Seems leaving Singapore is the only solution. In the back of my mind, I do feel that I wont be able to stay long in India living a comfortable mediocre life with family. Is leaving Singapore the solution as here I was used to seeing my kids with me. They were born here, they grew up here under my eyes. Not able to see them around is making me emotionally disturbed. If I move to a new place away from Singapore - will the thoughts of kids diminish to make me emotionally more balanced. Let's see what future has in store for me and my family.